Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween Havoc: Dueling HALLOWEEN porn parodies


Normally we wouldn’t do another porn review so close to the last one (check out our recent review of A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET) because we don’t want to seem like super pervs.  Trust us, we are just regular pervs.  But then a situation came up that we couldn’t pass up.  It was a once in a lifetime moment like seeing Halley’s Comet or hearing a Kardashian say something eloquent.  You rarely get the chance, so you need to take it when it comes around.  So when we discovered the adult entertainment industry had done not one but two spoofs of John Carpenter’s classic slasher HALLOWEEN (1978), we had to spring into action.  Two HALLOWEEN reviews on Halloween – we’re legit loco here at Video Junkie.









VS.









Hollywood has a long history of releasing dueling projects.  Who can forget the DANTE’S PEAK vs. VOLCANO or MISSION TO MARS vs. RED PLANET battles?  Hell, debuting on TV this fall are two series dealing with fairy tale characters living in modern times (GRIMM and ONCE UPON A TIME).  The porn industry is no different.  It never met a project it didn’t like and then try to beat it (pun most definitely intended) to death.  With porn parodies all the rage now, it is only a matter of time before slasher classic HALLOWEEN got the spoof treatment.  Zero Tolerance struck first with the OFFICIAL HALLOWEEN PARODY, which was released on June 23, 2011.  Not to be outdone, just over two months later, Smash Pictures released the HALLOWEEN XXX PORN PARODY on August 30, 2011.  Showing some good taste, both projects – hereafter referred to as Zero’s HALLOWEEN and Smash’s HALLOWEEN – sought to emulate Carpenter’s trendsetter and not Rob Zombie’s remake abortion.  So who would win this sexual spoof skirmish?

THE BATTLE:

Okay, when it comes to the battle of the opening credits, Smash Pictures (on the right) clearly wins.  They get points for not only their font, but the pumpkin placement.













Naturally, both films begin with a prologue where young Michael witnesses his sister making out.  Shape-heads have always wondered what went on when Judith Myers went upstairs with her minute-man boyfriend.  Here both films hypothesize that she may have been having – gasp – sexual relations (Zero’s features Lexi Swallow & Dane Cross while Smash’s features Raven Alexis & Seth Gamble).  Post-sex, the boyfriend splits and Michael gets about his business of throwing on a mask and stabbing his sister.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN gets bonus points for having the sister yell, “Michael, what are you doing in here? I’m trying to get off.”













It is then 15 years later and both films introduce their Dr. Sam Loomis characters.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN has James Bartholet, previously seen in SAW: A HARDCORE PARODY, in the role while Smash’s HALLOWEEN has British Marcus London in the role.  Neither actor resembles Donald Pleasance, which is something we should all be thankful for.  Both films have the grown Michael Myers escape, although Smash’s HALLOWEEN is far more successful in that they actually mirror the events of the Carpenter film by filming outside, but make sure to have a sex scene between Loomis and the nurse first.













We now get the introduction of the Laurie character in each film.  Zero Tolerance hired Chanel Preston for the role while Smash Pictures went with Lily LaBeau.  In the battle of the Lauries, I’d have to go with LaBeau as she kind of resembles the 1970s Jamie Lee Curtis and – another gasp – this production actually tries to make her look like Laurie (by carrying books and wearing long socks).  They both drop a key off at the spooky Myers house and we get a clear winner regarding production when it comes to that location.













Each film then offers the bit where Loomis bitches out his fellow doc.  The Zero HALLOWEEN goes a step further by having Loomis do his “Michael is evil” routine (“His scrotum reeks of the particular odor of murder!”) before receiving a blowjob from nurse Nicky (Carina Roman), who then has a full sex scene with the other doc (Mark Wood).  Damn it all to hell, my eyes had just recovered from seeing the Bartholet sex scene in the SAW parody.  Both films then have the scene where Laurie meets up with her friends.  Zero Tolerance gives us superhot Dana DeArmond as the sassy Annie (originally played by Nancy Loomis) and sexpot Lexi Belle as Lynda (originally played by P.J. Soles), while Smash gives us cute Andy San Dimas as Annie and sexpot Lexi Belle as Lynda.  Wait…WHAT?  Oh man, my head is going to ‘splode – the same actress playing the same role in two different porn spoofs?  Well, far be it from me to complain about more Lexi Belle sex scenes in the world.  It should be noted that the Zero version really screws up the character intros, while the Smash version frames the scene almost exactly like the original.  And, not surprising, both scenes have the girls trying to convince virginal Laurie to try a threesome.













The Smash version really steps up its copycat business after this by featuring bits of Laurie bumping into the sheriff, Laurie getting a phone call while seeing Michael outside, Loomis visiting the cemetery with the missing headstone and a bonus scene of Annie getting it on with her boyfriend Paul (Bill Bailey) while Michael watches from outside (perv!).  The Zero Tolerance version bypasses all of these bits.  Both versions then have Loomis and the sheriff visiting the Myers house.













The Halloween night festivities then get underway and Michael sets about to slash these sexy starlets.  Smash’s HALLOWEEN version has Annie talking dirty to her boyfriend before going out and getting killed in the car.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN goes a step further and, after removing all of her clothes due to getting butter on them, Annie gets it on with Michael, thinking it is her boyfriend.  Hey, I don’t remember this scene in the original!  So, yes, the world finally gets to see Michael Myers having graphic sex.  If it floats your boat, that is William Shatner - the original face of the Michael mask - having sex too.


Both films show what Laurie is doing this whole time and one pulls it off better than the other.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN has her reading a book while Smash’s HALLOWEEN has her masturbating while watching a movie.  Ha!  Lexi Belle then shows up at Annie’s house to get it on with her boyfriend Bob (Kris Slater in Zero’s HALLOWEEN; Jessy Jones in Smash’s HALLOWEEN).  Post-coital, Bob goes down to get a beer and is met in the kitchen by Michael.  We then get the famous ghost outfit bit and I get a serious sense of déjà vu.  Once again, one production pulls it off just a little bit better than the other.  I’ll let you be the judge.




































As all HALLOWEEN fanatics know, this sets up for the final chase between Laurie and her brother Michael.  Smash’s HALLOWEEN ups the creep factor before the pursuit by having Laurie think it is Paul under the ghost sheet and getting it on with him.  Ah, suggested incest, classy.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN really struggles in the finale as they just have Laurie walk around a house and get scared by Michael in a few rooms.  Smash’s HALLOWEEN knocks it out of the park, recreating the final showdown almost shot-for-shot with lots of the iconic bits in there.  Of course, Dr. Loomis shows up to save the day.  Once again, Smash’s HALLOWEEN triumphs with Michael actually taking a fall over the balcony.  Zero’s HALLOWEEN has him fall next to a bed.  D’oh!















































Smash’s HALLOWEEN wraps things up there, while Zero’s keeps going with an extra scene with the sheriff (Anthony Rosano) getting it on with Laurie.  In the twist ending, she whips out a large butcher knife from under the bed post-cumshot.  Jeez, if I had a dime for every time an ex did that to me.



THE VERDICT:

Damn, I used to joke about what a loser I was for summarizing porn plots.  What does that about me when I decided to write nearly a thousand words comparing two porn plots?  Let me put a positive spin on this for my sanity – out of the 7 billion people in this world, I was probably the only one who spent yesterday watching two HALLOWEEN porns back-to-back.  At least I hope I was.  So who wins in the epic battle between HALLOWEEN porn spoofs?  Both films, actually, as they each have their own positives.  Zero Tolerence’s was the first to hit the market and its best attribute is that it actually delivers in the parody department.  Director Gary Orona previously did the FRIDAY THE 13th XXX spoof and this is similar in that it follows the source material very closely but ups the perversion and comedy levels.  Also, Dana DeArmond is actually really funny as Annie.  It is well shot for the most part too.  Smash Picture’s HALLOWEEN, however, is way better when it comes to the technical aspects.  Director Jim Powers has been in the skin trade a long time and he has created the more professional of the two productions.  Not only that, but he really copies John Carpenter’s film well.  I’d wager a lot of time was spent studying that horror classic as plenty of similar shots pop up. Look at this:



On the downside, they might follow the film too close.  No joke, the parody factor is nil and characters say the exact same dialogue as the Carpenter film.  I don’t doubt they just printed out the original’s script and wrote “insert sex scene here” every 8 pages or so.  You know, like Rob Zombie did for his remake, except he wrote “insert rednecks here” instead.

In the end, I’d love to create a Frankenstein’s monster of a HALLOWEEN XXX spoof film that grabs a little from both films.  I’d take the comedic script from Zero Tolerance and the production values from Smash Pictures.  Bartholet from Zero’s HALLOWEEN would be Dr. Loomis, but we’ll give him London’s British accent from Smash’s HALLOWEEN.  We definitely need to grab the Myers house from the Zero Tolerance version, but the Michael Myers from the Smash Pictures version.  For the leading ladies, we’ll snatch Lily LaBeau as Laurie, Dana DeArmond as Annie and, naturally, Lexi Belle as Lynda.  Oh man, did I just do the porn equivalent of fantasy football?  Mom would be so proud.

Moments of Clarity:

4 Reactions:

  1. Absolutely love it! Love your take on porn spoofs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Looking like old Horror porno. I am very exciting to download this movie because i always like horror type pornography. I like most from above scene when the man swallow this porn star big tits and enjoy her lusty pussy.
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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Halloween is one of my all-time favorite movies, and as such I have also watched both porn parodies. In my opinion, the Smash Pictures version is far superior, as the director obviously respects the material far more than whoever made the Zero Tolerance version. True, he didn't add much to the original screenplay by Carpenter and Hill, but I didn't think the comedy aspects of the Zero Tolerance version were nearly as funny or creative as the reviewer seems to. Aside from Dana DeArmond's amusing performance as Annie it's rather forgettable, and while Jim Powers' adaptation may not really be a parody, he didn't intend it to be. It's necessary to call it a parody in order to avoid a lawsuit, even when it's a serious pornographic adaptation. Furthermore, the sex is extremely hot and the implied incest at the end is pretty bold, seeing as how sex between relatives is considered extremely taboo in the current porn climate (which seems strange to me considering 30 years ago it was commonplace.) Jim Powers is one of the very few porn directors out there willing to defy this taboo, as seen in his acclaimed "Friends and Family" adult film series.

    The bottom line is, skip the Zero Tolerance trash and pick up the memorable Jim Powers version instead, which happens to be a very hot love letter to the original classic.

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